The Blamer is a commonly used defense mechanism that relies on projection. The Blamer wants to avoid all the uncomfortable, fucked up feelings s/he has by projecting them onto whatever people, objects, or situations are nearest. They will literally point a finger at you or use forceful, pointy language to attack you. For example, when The Blamer stubs a toe, s/he will blame the chair leg that sticks out too far instead of acknowledging how clumsy s/he is feeling; "Stupid chair, what a dumb design." Similarly, when The Blamer is in a conflict, s/he will blame the other person for any emotional discomfort instead of describing how s/he feels about the situation; "You should not have left me alone, I needed you and you were goofing off with your friends, you are so irresponsible." If you know a Blamer, or are a Blamer yourself (like me), the best way to diffuse the defense is to take responsibility for something. Near a Blamer: "I can see you are upset, I wish I would have been there to help comfort you." As The Blamer; "I got angry because I felt so damned helpless and you were over here having fun. I guess I did want some comfort but it isn't your fault this all happened, sorry I blamed you." Bottom line is stop the blame game by lowering defensiveness, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY instead. You will feel better, everyone will feel better, and the conflict will de-escalate. You're welcome.
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