Self-Assessment after a Fight or a very Tense Discussion
The following is a self-rating scale of effective actions to use during fights or tense discussions.
They are in no particular order. On a 1-10 scale, with 1 being not at all and 10 being 100%, how would you rate how constructive you were during the disagreement/fight?
1) _____ I stayed curious about my partner’s concerns.
2) _____ I consistently recapped what I was hearing.
3) _____ I clearly described my own wishes and desires.
4) _____ I clearly described and explained without blame why my desires are important.
5) _____ I stated clearly what this problem symbolized to me.
6) _____ I kept my voice tone in check to avoid triggering my partner.
7) _____ I was clear what price my partner will have to pay to give me what I want.
8) _____ I made it easy for my partner to give me what I want.
9) _____ My partner would say I made it easy for them to give me what I want.
10) _____ My partner will probably think I was this clear in describing my desires.
11) _____ My partner will say I was clear in explaining why my concerns are important.
12) _____ I was clear about what the problem symbolized to my partner.
13) ______I understand the fear and risk of expressing myself clearly.
After you complete this checklist, total your numbers. Then swap forms with your partner to
see what you can learn. Reflect on what you can do differently in the future.
Where will you focus your attention to improve next time?
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© The Couples InstitutePeter Pearson, Ph.D & Ellyn Bader, Ph.D
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