Sometimes an analogy or image can help us use a concept more than words or orther verbal instruction. In my work with couples, I often use the imagery of a hula hoop to define personal space and responsibility, as a way to sort out "what belongs to whom."
Hypothesize that you are in a conflict with a partner, or your child, or whomever, and the situation is escalating quickly. Assume neither of you want to fight but cannot seem to get out of defense mode, one is blaming the other, neither is owning their part.
You might even think you have no part in the conflict and if this or that, things would stop escalating. Maybe you are right, but in my experience, everyone has a part and there is always something that you can take responsibility for if you can identify what belongs to you in spite of high emotions.
This is the time to imagine that all parties are encircled by an invisible hula hoop, and furthermore, everything within the hopp belongs to that person; their thoughts, feelings, ideas, behaviors, etc. all belong to them as do yours. How might this change the dynamic? What might you do or say differently? What can you take ownership of?
EXAMPLE: I am in conflict with my neighbor and feel they have been putting their trash in my bin, leaving me no room for my garbage. As we discuss it, things are getting heated. My motivation to pause might be "I have to live next to these people" so I take a deep breath, and reflect on what I am doing and saying, what I have done or not done, searching for my part in the issue. Finally I say "Hey Betty, sorry for coming in hot like that, I wish I had been calmer." Ideally, Betty will be receptive to the de-escalation and reciprocate, perhaps by saying "Thanks, I appreciate that, sorry I was yelling, I guess I don't like being accused of wrong doing."
With family and other close partners in life, this can help us not cause harm until we are all ready to own something. You might even ask for some token of reciprocating responsibility, but everyone, including you needs to participate. in good faith and authentically. If you weaponize the hula hoops, you will be hurting your relationships and destroying trust, so proceed with openness.
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
1. Do I struggle taking personal responsibility and play defense often?
2. Do I take responsibility for other's things instead of my own?
3. Do I apologize often but do not really know what for?
4. Do I wish others in my life would own up to their parts too? Who? Have we talked about it?
SOURCE: hula hoops analogy from Together in Texas workshops https://twogetherintexas.com/UI/HomePage.aspx